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paixaoooc2006-01-28 08:32 pm
redhot.livejournal.com) wrote in paixaoooc2006-01-28 08:32 pm
Entry tags:
Banning.
Since apparently the word of the head moderator is not enough, I feel it is perhaps time to delve deeper into the workings of my mind and completely explain my situation. Maybe then you will see why it is I have done the things I have done—namely, the banning of a very important person to me, Mikael, our former Zexion.
-
Mikael and I have a lot of history. Over five years of it, to be exact, four of which we have spent in an on and off, very painful and confusing relationship that was so wrong it was kind of right. I don't delve into our private lives, but this is in fact our background. That is why it is so easy to upset me on the subject of him, to the point of my reactions seeming somewhat stupid and spontaneous. Some of them are, I admit, but even after all is said and done I still firmly believe my decision has been the correct one.
It has been argued that my reasons for removing him from the game are only because of our personal squabbles. While that is the root of the event, fueled by Mikael, might I add (apparently I had been making him feel angry the entire week, or so he had claimed), it has gotten to the point where it is impossible for us to draw the line between the game and our relationship. That is not to say we are mixing OOC and IC, I mean it more in the manner of that some of the things we have done, namely in the chatroom the members usually frequent, were fueled by things going on in private.
The such incident I'm speaking of mostly (though was not, by far, the only incident) is the time when Mikael attacked me there over my apparent "talking behind someone's back". And I firmly believe that what he did was exactly that; he attacked me for it. As I said, he had apparently been frustrated with me previously and I feel... no, I know he would not have acted out the way he did and attempted to make a fool of me publicly if he had not had some sort of thing to push him over the edge. What I had done to fuel him to that point is honestly beyond my comprehension—I recall badgering him to post several times, which always somehow seemed to escalate into a private fight (Why this happened, I'm not sure either, as I never intended it to. He seems to assume everything I do is extremely exaggerated and starts acting accordingly; in return I get very upset and things just... explode, I guess).
Either way, that is what I'm chalking it up to I suppose—even while I feel I had every right to badger him to do so. Not only had he been aware of this game weeks and weeks ago, before I even conceived the thought of it, but he didn't even need to fill out an application for me, or go through any sort of test in order to get in. He simply joined. And I think the fact we were so close was eventually a thing that was taken advantage of, which I think is very unfortunate. So I bugged him on several occasions to make his post. When time was running out, he eventually "sprung" it on me that he intended to have Zexion already in the city, which was something I probably would not have approved of beforehand but I neglected to mention it in the heat of, you know, battle. Obviously the time-wasting got me very flustered. His reasoning for not doing it was I guess because advertising in communities simply takes far too much energy to do...
So, right. I was having a private conversation with someone in IMs regarding the games growth. They said it was "scary" and overwhelming, so I mentioned what was said in passing in the chat in hopes to gain myself some input from other people. Reading back on it, I can understand how it was misinterpreted but I do not believe it in any means remedied the actual verbal assault of me, much less in front of the majority of our members. I even showed the log of what I said to the person in question, and what do you know, they didn't even take it as that. But because of that (how on the spot it was taken), it was actually kind of difficult to defend myself because I was simply so... flabbergasted that Mikael might have the audacity to do something like that to me. We exchanged venom here and there and I just got so frustrated I left the chat.
An hour or so later, I bugged Mikael, with relationship-related threats because I was ultimately pissed with him, because I was sure I knew exactly what the hell was going on with him. And I threatened him with several things; not physical harm or anything, just the usual "I'm going to walk out on you" sorts of stuff. Apparently none of that got through his head, or he was so used to be kissing his ass that he simply ignored it. Either way, I so kindly reminded him of the hundreds of dollars of shit I had bought him, including a very special ring which was supposed to mean something very important to us.
He didn't really care. He just wanted to discuss the game. That's what was most important to him, I guess, rather than the relationship we've (I've...) being trying to patch up for years now.
So, he wanted to talk game? I talked game with him. I said if he was going to act out like that, I'd take away the only thing he apparently cared about, because I suppose I was less important than it or something like that—I would ban him from the game. He demanded to know why I would do such a terrible, horrible, god awful thing to him, but I was just so pissed with him at the time I wasn't really coherent enough to do that. And even the day after, and even today, I'm still probably not in the right state of mind. But finally, I will make an attempt to do it. Here I go.
Once again, it's been argued that Mikael was banned simply because I was angry with him. On the surface, yes, this is true, but it goes, honestly, a lot deeper than that. Mikael's presence is a hindrance to me, if we're going to be on terrible terms with one another. There is no compromise. There simply isn't. Why? Because when we are on bad terms things clash—and they clash hard. Having him present would only ruin things for him, for me, and for everyone. IC would mix with OOC, and we'd be impossible to interact with in any means.
I feel terrible enough as it is fighting with him, much less getting my emotions completely ignored for the sake of an RPG. I really do apologize, but I am not going to sacrifice my emotional health just so he can have a bit of texty fun time. I am really ashamed Mikael can get me so easily worked up, but I'm an artist, okay? We're whiny little shits. That's really my only excuse. Oh, and the fact I'm a diabetic, and, even if it's TMI I have the most monstrous cases of PMS you have ever seen in your life. Medical issues aside, it's a very hard time for me because my grandmother was recently diagnosed with Leukemia and I have been spending all of my time locked up in my house here for the most part, taking care of her. The only escape I've really got is my stupid computer. Topping this with the fact I am struggling with school and attempting to attend college... obviously, I've been very stressed out, and my emotions are on high.
As you can see, I've got a lot on my plate. And yet I go out of my way to create Paixao, which was an unexpected success. Many, many, many people, even those who are not members, have complimented the depth and work and effort I have put into this game. And I have to admit, I did spend a lot of time planning, writing, and drawing everything for it. It has also gone through one unfortunate stage where an earlier version of the game had to be shut down due to me being extremely uncomfortable with who was joining it and what was going on within it. Paixao has been through a lot, and Paixao is a piece of art; more importantly, it's a piece of my art. All of this means Paixao is very special to me.
I'm not going to make myself hate my game just for one person. I care a lot about Mikael, and I want to make that very clear. That is why I am doing this, really. It's honestly painful to see him around when I know I can't talk to him and be friendly and such with him. It HURTS. And I know it would be extremely emotionally taxing on me to have to do that; I don't want to get an ugly knot in my stomach every time I go to look at my friends list because I'm going to see things Mikael is doing and be reminded of what we used to have, how he retains his charming politeness with all others except myself simply because we are in the middle of an argument.
I don't want my game to give me that feeling. I couldn't ruin my own art like that. Maybe some day things will work out, but I seriously doubt I'd let him back in here; not because I dislike him or I am spiteful, I just don't want to take this kind of risk once again. It's a painful risk, it makes me sick just thinking of losing yet another thing to all of this drama.
In short, I have banned Mikael because it is an emotional and RP-related hindrance to me. Even talking about this subject makes me start to shake, and it makes my heart race. I've been having abnormal palpitations of my heart as of late, and on the side of what ever is going on in my life at the time, relationship drama and RPG drama just aids to my anxiety. When the moderator is uncomfortable to do things in, much less look at and be made sick by their own game, it starts to become a problem. It leads to them stepping down and bowing out completely; and frankly I could never do that to my game. I could never give it to someone else because I've simply put so much time and effort, and literally blood, sweat and tears into it. I could not. That means if I got so uncomfortable with the game that I couldn't do anything with it, I'd shut it down.
And Paixao would end. I'd probably never come back to it after that happened; everyone would be, essentially, bluntly, fucked. So, no, I am not hindering anyone's game by doing what I did—Zexion's presence isn't exclusively needed, and it's not even like we've gotten woven into deep plots as of yet anyway. It is easy to make up a means to get around his disappearance; besides, we might get another application and if worse comes to worse I will NPC him myself.
Finally, I've explained myself. I'm sorry if I still can't make you understand, and I'm sorry I can't get along with you better, Mikael. I feel bad for what I've done, but I do not feel it goes unjustified.
If you'd like to, I will still speak with you. But I refuse to speak of this matter ever again, as my feelings on it have been explained in full here.
Thank you for hearing me out.
The topic will no longer be discussed by me.
-
Mikael and I have a lot of history. Over five years of it, to be exact, four of which we have spent in an on and off, very painful and confusing relationship that was so wrong it was kind of right. I don't delve into our private lives, but this is in fact our background. That is why it is so easy to upset me on the subject of him, to the point of my reactions seeming somewhat stupid and spontaneous. Some of them are, I admit, but even after all is said and done I still firmly believe my decision has been the correct one.
It has been argued that my reasons for removing him from the game are only because of our personal squabbles. While that is the root of the event, fueled by Mikael, might I add (apparently I had been making him feel angry the entire week, or so he had claimed), it has gotten to the point where it is impossible for us to draw the line between the game and our relationship. That is not to say we are mixing OOC and IC, I mean it more in the manner of that some of the things we have done, namely in the chatroom the members usually frequent, were fueled by things going on in private.
The such incident I'm speaking of mostly (though was not, by far, the only incident) is the time when Mikael attacked me there over my apparent "talking behind someone's back". And I firmly believe that what he did was exactly that; he attacked me for it. As I said, he had apparently been frustrated with me previously and I feel... no, I know he would not have acted out the way he did and attempted to make a fool of me publicly if he had not had some sort of thing to push him over the edge. What I had done to fuel him to that point is honestly beyond my comprehension—I recall badgering him to post several times, which always somehow seemed to escalate into a private fight (Why this happened, I'm not sure either, as I never intended it to. He seems to assume everything I do is extremely exaggerated and starts acting accordingly; in return I get very upset and things just... explode, I guess).
Either way, that is what I'm chalking it up to I suppose—even while I feel I had every right to badger him to do so. Not only had he been aware of this game weeks and weeks ago, before I even conceived the thought of it, but he didn't even need to fill out an application for me, or go through any sort of test in order to get in. He simply joined. And I think the fact we were so close was eventually a thing that was taken advantage of, which I think is very unfortunate. So I bugged him on several occasions to make his post. When time was running out, he eventually "sprung" it on me that he intended to have Zexion already in the city, which was something I probably would not have approved of beforehand but I neglected to mention it in the heat of, you know, battle. Obviously the time-wasting got me very flustered. His reasoning for not doing it was I guess because advertising in communities simply takes far too much energy to do...
So, right. I was having a private conversation with someone in IMs regarding the games growth. They said it was "scary" and overwhelming, so I mentioned what was said in passing in the chat in hopes to gain myself some input from other people. Reading back on it, I can understand how it was misinterpreted but I do not believe it in any means remedied the actual verbal assault of me, much less in front of the majority of our members. I even showed the log of what I said to the person in question, and what do you know, they didn't even take it as that. But because of that (how on the spot it was taken), it was actually kind of difficult to defend myself because I was simply so... flabbergasted that Mikael might have the audacity to do something like that to me. We exchanged venom here and there and I just got so frustrated I left the chat.
An hour or so later, I bugged Mikael, with relationship-related threats because I was ultimately pissed with him, because I was sure I knew exactly what the hell was going on with him. And I threatened him with several things; not physical harm or anything, just the usual "I'm going to walk out on you" sorts of stuff. Apparently none of that got through his head, or he was so used to be kissing his ass that he simply ignored it. Either way, I so kindly reminded him of the hundreds of dollars of shit I had bought him, including a very special ring which was supposed to mean something very important to us.
He didn't really care. He just wanted to discuss the game. That's what was most important to him, I guess, rather than the relationship we've (I've...) being trying to patch up for years now.
So, he wanted to talk game? I talked game with him. I said if he was going to act out like that, I'd take away the only thing he apparently cared about, because I suppose I was less important than it or something like that—I would ban him from the game. He demanded to know why I would do such a terrible, horrible, god awful thing to him, but I was just so pissed with him at the time I wasn't really coherent enough to do that. And even the day after, and even today, I'm still probably not in the right state of mind. But finally, I will make an attempt to do it. Here I go.
Once again, it's been argued that Mikael was banned simply because I was angry with him. On the surface, yes, this is true, but it goes, honestly, a lot deeper than that. Mikael's presence is a hindrance to me, if we're going to be on terrible terms with one another. There is no compromise. There simply isn't. Why? Because when we are on bad terms things clash—and they clash hard. Having him present would only ruin things for him, for me, and for everyone. IC would mix with OOC, and we'd be impossible to interact with in any means.
I feel terrible enough as it is fighting with him, much less getting my emotions completely ignored for the sake of an RPG. I really do apologize, but I am not going to sacrifice my emotional health just so he can have a bit of texty fun time. I am really ashamed Mikael can get me so easily worked up, but I'm an artist, okay? We're whiny little shits. That's really my only excuse. Oh, and the fact I'm a diabetic, and, even if it's TMI I have the most monstrous cases of PMS you have ever seen in your life. Medical issues aside, it's a very hard time for me because my grandmother was recently diagnosed with Leukemia and I have been spending all of my time locked up in my house here for the most part, taking care of her. The only escape I've really got is my stupid computer. Topping this with the fact I am struggling with school and attempting to attend college... obviously, I've been very stressed out, and my emotions are on high.
As you can see, I've got a lot on my plate. And yet I go out of my way to create Paixao, which was an unexpected success. Many, many, many people, even those who are not members, have complimented the depth and work and effort I have put into this game. And I have to admit, I did spend a lot of time planning, writing, and drawing everything for it. It has also gone through one unfortunate stage where an earlier version of the game had to be shut down due to me being extremely uncomfortable with who was joining it and what was going on within it. Paixao has been through a lot, and Paixao is a piece of art; more importantly, it's a piece of my art. All of this means Paixao is very special to me.
I'm not going to make myself hate my game just for one person. I care a lot about Mikael, and I want to make that very clear. That is why I am doing this, really. It's honestly painful to see him around when I know I can't talk to him and be friendly and such with him. It HURTS. And I know it would be extremely emotionally taxing on me to have to do that; I don't want to get an ugly knot in my stomach every time I go to look at my friends list because I'm going to see things Mikael is doing and be reminded of what we used to have, how he retains his charming politeness with all others except myself simply because we are in the middle of an argument.
I don't want my game to give me that feeling. I couldn't ruin my own art like that. Maybe some day things will work out, but I seriously doubt I'd let him back in here; not because I dislike him or I am spiteful, I just don't want to take this kind of risk once again. It's a painful risk, it makes me sick just thinking of losing yet another thing to all of this drama.
In short, I have banned Mikael because it is an emotional and RP-related hindrance to me. Even talking about this subject makes me start to shake, and it makes my heart race. I've been having abnormal palpitations of my heart as of late, and on the side of what ever is going on in my life at the time, relationship drama and RPG drama just aids to my anxiety. When the moderator is uncomfortable to do things in, much less look at and be made sick by their own game, it starts to become a problem. It leads to them stepping down and bowing out completely; and frankly I could never do that to my game. I could never give it to someone else because I've simply put so much time and effort, and literally blood, sweat and tears into it. I could not. That means if I got so uncomfortable with the game that I couldn't do anything with it, I'd shut it down.
And Paixao would end. I'd probably never come back to it after that happened; everyone would be, essentially, bluntly, fucked. So, no, I am not hindering anyone's game by doing what I did—Zexion's presence isn't exclusively needed, and it's not even like we've gotten woven into deep plots as of yet anyway. It is easy to make up a means to get around his disappearance; besides, we might get another application and if worse comes to worse I will NPC him myself.
Finally, I've explained myself. I'm sorry if I still can't make you understand, and I'm sorry I can't get along with you better, Mikael. I feel bad for what I've done, but I do not feel it goes unjustified.
If you'd like to, I will still speak with you. But I refuse to speak of this matter ever again, as my feelings on it have been explained in full here.
Thank you for hearing me out.
The topic will no longer be discussed by me.